Care giving for a hostile married couple

There are so many different types of care giving. Personally, I am most challenged when there is hostility between family members. However, your personal abilities to handle your own affairs are not necessarily the best way to deal with family conflict during your care giving shift.

One of my dear friends, Tracy, was taking care of an elderly couple. Over time, some aging couples can hardly stand to be in the same room with each other, much less extend a compassionate hug or smile. As a caregiver, sometimes you are put in the middle of an argument that may have started 40 years ago! If you aren't careful, you can become the victim of a shoe flying across the room or worse, be put in the middle of a raging disagreement about the importance of your work!

Other caregivers were not able to deal with the hostility, and the couple had trouble keeping quality caregivers. Tracy was able to calmly address the hostility each and every time with her tone of voice and clear, short communications. I was fascinated with her finesse between this couple and one day asked her specifics about what she said and exactly how she handled the couple as the flew into negativity.

First of all, Tracy used her humor to address profoundly difficult situations. For example: the husband and wife would get in a heated argument about the wife’s activities outside the home because the husband felt she was not paying enough attention to him. The wife would throw a nasty comment out and then the husband would throw out an even better and more deviant comment! After showing no emotion to this exchange Tracy would calmly wait for the exchange to end. This response was perfect for this couple. Although it’s stressful to be in the middle, Tracy knew there communication style would probably not change at this point in their lives. In addition, it was not Tracy’s role to be a marriage therapist or crisis counselor. Her role was to help the husband with his activities of daily living once the wife was gone.

In an effort to keep things calm, Tracy did not react to the hostility; instead she kept a calm demeanor and waited for the perfect moment to say, “Well Mr. Smith that was a Spicy Meatball. Speaking of meatballs, your dinner last night is still on your clothes, so it’s time to clean up! Do you want to take your shower before or after your breakfast?”

Tracy would brilliantly take a hostile situation and completely turn the tables into a teaching moment. Her calm manner did more than just get her through that situation but added to the credibility of her skills as a caregiver. She showed the couple that even though the hostile debate was interesting, she was there to help them and was not distracted by anything. Over time, the couple learned to trust in Tracy’s level headed abilities and depend on her or strength and maturity.

Tracy explained that the wife felt she trusted her to be calm and gentle with her husband and that she wasn’t worried about him when she was gone. The husband adored Tracy because he felt a profound sense of trust and didn’t mind that his wife couldn’t be there.

One day Tracy was sitting with the wife and she began to cry at the overwhelming feelings she was having about… well everything. Tracy in her calm and loving way was not afraid to listen to her feelings and in true Tracy style, was able to let the wife vent and calm down herself.  It was not Tracy’s style to analyze the situation. Tracy just listened and reflected her feelings. Soon the wife was calm and Tracy was able to reassure her that it always feels good to get those feelings out, even if it makes your mascara run terrible! They both laughed.

After the emotions were calm and they were in a quiet moment, Tracy remembered something the wife had said a few days back. The wife complained to Tracy that she was so agitated that her husband’s sock drawer was always unorganized and she needed to find time in her “busy” day to buy new socks, which of course according to the wife he did not deserve!

Tracy told Mrs. Smith that she would love to check out the sock drawer and inventory his socks to see what he needs. The wife loved the idea because it got her off the “hook” with the socks. In Tracy’s mind, she knew opening the sock drawer would open up a wealth of fun and was pretty sure they would get a few belly laughs. As Tracy and the wife sat on the edge of the bed, they indeed started to laugh at all the old and mismatched socks. Each sock had a funny story. Tracy suggested they lay the socks out on the bed and try to find the mates and perhaps they would have such good luck, that Mrs. Smith wouldn’t need to take time from her bridge to go out and buy more.

As they sat and sorted socks, Mrs. Smith laughed and cried... but mostly laughed. Tracy felt that just by sorting socks, it enabled Mrs. Smith to relax, get organized, laugh, have some fun memories and once again helped both the husband and wife feel as though their daily life has been greatly improved by experiencing emotions and activities that were focused on love, warmth, strength and trust.

The day started out with Mr. Smith needing the care, but the day ended with the wife needing the loving hand instead.

Stop by www.LaCosta-Concierge.com to see how our quality caregivers may be able to help you or your family.

Melissa